In a time that often measures success in likes, shares, and friend requests, one might wonder if there’s a “right” number of friends to have as an adult. Researchers have delved into this question, aiming to understand the dynamics of adult friendships and the optimal number of connections for a balanced, happy life. Let’s explore this further to help answer the question, how many friends should you have for a fulfilling adult life?
Is How Many Friends Should You Have an Important Question?
This question often stems from observing and coveting other’s idealized social lives. These observations are often based on assumption and not actual insight into the overall inner satisfaction of the individual. Objectivity is often missing. Leading to comparisons that can lower self-esteem, increase social withdrawal, and develop damaging self-judgment.
With that said, understanding the “right” number of friends as an adult is crucial because the quality and quantity of our social connections can significantly impact our overall well-being through the social dimension of wellness. These relationships provide emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging essential to fostering the emotional and intellectual dimensions of wellness while meeting our biological need for connection.
So, is this an important question? A study by Baumeister and Leary (1995) emphasizes the human need to belong and form interpersonal attachments. However, scientific research and emotional reactions to feeling unsatisfied with our interpersonal place in the world may not work together for a healthy outlook. With this in mind, let’s dive further into the data.
Research Study: Dunbar’s Number
To kick things off, let’s consider a classic study led by anthropologist Robin Dunbar, known as “Dunbar’s Number.” We chose to focus on Dunbar’s study because its enduring relevance and widespread acceptance in social psychology make it a valuable reference point for scientific curiosity.
Dunbar proposed that humans can comfortably maintain only about 150 stable social relationships. This theory gained attention as it suggested that the human brain has a limited capacity for managing relationships. While the study dates back to the 1990s, its findings remain relevant today, offering valuable insights into the nature of friendship.
Understand that 150 stable social relationships are an application of the higher end of a hypothetical range rather than an exact measure. This number may seem stressful, unreasonable, or out of reach to many. With this in the back of our minds, let’s explore the next part of this equation for a further understanding of “stable social relationships” in connection to our original question: how many friends should you have?
What counts as a relationship? Dunbar’s Layers
Dunbar proposed a social grouping theory that categorizes social relationships into different layers based on their closeness and frequency of interactions. These layers are often referred to as “Dunbar’s Layers” and are defined as follows:
Support or Intimate Layer (1-5 people)
This layer consists of your closest friends and family. Typically including your best friends, spouse or partner, and immediate (genetic, adoptive, or made along the way) family members. We interact with these individuals frequently and share our deepest thoughts and emotions with them. Maintaining these relationships requires a significant amount of time and emotional investment. The “Rule of Five” is a separate social concept that supports this Dunbar benchmark (1-5) as “manageable long-term without creating stress.”
Sympathy Group Layer (5-15 people)
The second layer includes a larger group of friends who provide emotional support, empathy, and understanding. These are friends you feel comfortable confiding in that you interact with regularly. They may not be as close as the previous layer, but they play a crucial role in your social life.
Close Friends Layer (15-50 people)
This layer includes friends you interact with less frequently than the first two layers but are still in your life. You share common interests and engage in various activities together. These friends provide companionship, fun, and a sense of belonging.
Casual Friends Layer (50-150 people)
The fourth layer includes acquaintances and casual friends. You might not see or communicate with them as often as the previous layers, but they are part of your extended social circle. Interactions tend to be less intimate, and these friends can provide variety in your social experiences.
Acquaintances Layer (150+ people)
The outermost layer consists of acquaintances and individuals you recognize but may not know well. These are people in your community, workplace, or social gatherings. While you may not have deep connections with them, they still contribute to your overall social network. They also provide diversity in perspectives, opportunities for brief socialization, and potential for new friendships.
It’s important to note that the number of relationships within each layer varies from person to person. Each influenced by individual personality, social skills, and the dynamics of each individual’s social environment. Dunbar’s theory provides a general framework for understanding the structure of social relationships and cognitive limits. It does not explore the individualized requirements for relationships on an individual basis.
The Power of Solitude
If you want to continue to develop your social dimension of wellness, there’s a powerful tool at your disposal: moments of solitude. Contrary to the belief that solitude implies isolation, it can be harnessed as a pathway to reflection, practice, and action to enrich your social experience. Solitude offers a unique space for self-discovery and self-improvement. It can enhance the quality of your social connections and contribute to a more fulfilling social life. Let’s look at a few examples to get started;
Self-Reflection
Spend time in solitude to reflect on your social needs, desires, and goals. What kind of social connections do you seek? What qualities are you looking for in friends? Self-reflection helps you gain a better understanding of what you value in your relationships.
Set Social Intentions
Use your alone time to set intentions for your social life. Consider what steps you can take to strengthen existing relationships or build new ones. These intentions could involve reaching out to friends, joining clubs or groups, or pursuing hobbies that align with your interests. These are not goals like popularity, but small steps to encounter others in a way that feels safe and motivating.
Seek New Experiences
Solitude provides an excellent opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Engaging in these experiences can lead to fresh ways to interact with the outside world. In turn, facilitating more encounters with people with varying interests.
Cultivate Interests
Develop your interests and passions, established or newly discovered. Whether it’s a hobby, sport, or creative pursuit, immersing yourself in activities you love can naturally lead you to contact with like-minded individuals.
Embrace Chance
Be open to serendipitous encounters. Sometimes, chance meetings can lead to profound and unexpected connections. Engaging in activities alone can increase the likelihood of these spontaneous interactions.
Attend Social Events Alone
Challenge yourself to attend social events or gatherings alone. This practice can make you more likely to mingle or for others to feel more inclined to approach you. At its base, it allows you to exist in a space with others and people watch to observe social cues and acclimate to busier public areas should you seek that type of socialization.
Seek Professional Support
If you feel as though you are not able to socialize in the ways you need, or loneliness is making you feel depressed or not like yourself, consider seeking therapy or counseling. Mental health professionals can help you explore the root causes of your patterns and feelings and help you develop tools and systems to help.
Remember that enriching your social dimension of wellness is a gradual process. Solitude provides a valuable space for self-discovery and personal growth. This can enhance your ability to form and nurture relationships by combining moments of solitude with purposeful social engagement.
How Many Friends Should You Have?
In our exploration of “How many friends should you have?” we have delved into Dunbar’s foundational research, a study examining how many friends we “can have,” but omitting how many friends we “should have.”
Ultimately, the “right” number of friends is a matter of personal preference. Life isn’t a scientific experiment, and there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for happiness. Most of us are not trying to test the limits of how many relationships we can deal with. Instead we choose relationships that have potential to enrich our lives.
Whether you find solace in solitude, in front of a computer, or prefer the bustling social scene; fulfillment lies in your needs, not a predetermined quantity imposed by random expectation. Focus on cultivating relationships for you rather than seeking validation through collecting people. In the end, reflecting on your genuine social needs will allow you to further enjoy the people you meet, the company you keep, and the bonds you seek.
